There was this part in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, most people refer to it as ‘the whole movie’ that totally sucked. It needed a swat button. What’s a SWAT Button? It is what it sounds, a button that automatically makes a SWAT team show up in any movie. Imagine it, you’re sitting there, watching Shia Labeouf scream “nononono” the whole time, and wishing you had a nice plate of chicken fingers to dip in all that weak sauce while he swings from limb to limb. THEN BOOM! Swat team. Immediately the Russians are all dead because SWAT teams kick ass. I’m not talking Colin Farrel SWAT, I’m talking real SWAT, the kind without emotions who just kick down doors and destroy your flower garden. The kind you found in this show. Oh no! Is an alien turning a mountain into a space ship? Get a SWAT team to double-tap a bullet into their creepy, poorly CGI-ed faces and just end the movie.

BOO!

However, the SWAT button isn’t cut out for all movies. I think I’d also need a “Zombie Button”. It’s perfect for romantic comedies and the like.  For example, ‘10 Things I hate about the zombie apocalypse’ would have been much better than the obvious title steal I just did.

BRAAAAIIIIINS

Once the zombies had finished devouring the crappy stereotypes within the romantic comedy genre and tarnishing an otherwise unending wave of suburban flower gardens and emo kids the SWAT button would be pushed.

The SWAT team would understand the essentials for zombie killing:

• lots of ammo
• headshots
• keeping your distance
• grenading large clumps of slow moving enemies

For a good amount of time the SWAT teams would remain in helicopters and strafe the hell out of the zombie hordes. Some of the zombies would be turned while they were at football practice, thus allowing a sniper to cockily shoot the zombie that is holding the football while in the endzone. He could say a cocky phrase such as “Safety!”.

Then, the rookie of the SWAT team (who has much to learn but has the energy to suceed and we all like him very much) would be thrown from the helicpoter after the pilot swerved to miss the
water tower. Only then will the ground battle engage.

The fellow SWAT members would have to rescue to rookie, but at this point things are getting a bit generic and we need to step up the action. This is where SECRET GOVERNMENT SPEC OPS button comes in handy. The rookie and his SWAT team who are now holed up inside a Jiffy Lube discover that poor oil dumping methods are the cause of the zombie uprising. This was only learned after rookie’s mentor Jose (gotta kill the ethnic ones first so they totally hold a cross that has been around their neck for ages and remember their ancestors) slipped and got a mysterious oil goop in a heroicly earned wound. The rookie would have to shoot him before he turned in order to become a man. Such is the way of the zombie movie.

Once this occurs, the government spec ops show up. (They never show up right when you hit the button. That would be too obvious and not very steathly. In some cases they wait until the movie is over and you are getting in your car. Right as you remove the handy sunblocker that looks like sunglasses from your windshield, they will kill the first person who you point at with your eyes. They are that special.) They show up in this movie, though. For a while you do not know if they are good or bad, as they seem to be shooting EVERYTHING. People who have turned, people who might turn, cars, you name it and they’ve thrown a phosphorous grenade at it.

The SWAT team is now unable to leave because their chopper is all melted. So they decide to save some people who are left and fight the SPEC OPS. To make a long story short, the final battle takes place on the sleepy little town’s makeout point with half the original SWAT team (including the rookie). They have planted charges that blocked the only road leading to them so the zombies (which include some zombie SPEC OPS) cannot get them. Determined to re-enter the town and detonate the government’s tactical nuke, the rookie bids his newfound love goodbye as she leaves in an osprey a private firm flew in. But not until he gives her the cross that Jose had. It meant a lot.

Then the rookie and the SWAT team rappel down the face of makeout point aussie style shooting the newly mutated flying zombies as they go. Then the movie ends to some rocking hard rock song in the credits.

There will be two sequels. One is where the rookie is the only survivor of the aftermath and he has to save his girlfriend from a new menace, unlike any the world has faced. It will be blamed on the private firm that had the Osprey in the first one. In an effort to remind you how awesome the first movie was, we will be told that the necklace is really a homing device and that Jose was a SUPER SECRET SPEC OP who was keeping an eye on SWAT. Rookie will have his revenge on the government for making him the bad-ass killing machine with a heart of gold and save his woman again.

The third movie will suck. Rookie will lose his girlfriend to the ALIEN creatures. Then the aliens will become zombified and only the power of Rookie and a half-vampire/half-predator will be able to defeat them. But that’s what you get when you push all 3 of the buttons (moron). But don’t worry, the special edition DVD of all 3 of them will TOTALLY rule, and the video game spinoff won’t be all that bad.