Annointed Press, Nov.11, 2008

SACRAMENTO, CA– Conservative Christians in the area of the California capitol state they have finally found the gay they’ve been searching for several decades. Jack Miller, age 31, of Sacramento, claims to not only be gay– he has said he wants to ruin heterosexual marriages.

“Oh, absolutely I want to ruin straight marriages,” boasted Miller. “I mean, I don’t want to just get married to a some fag, I want to get married to some fag who doesn’t even know he’s a fag, and take him from his unsuspecting wife and kids like a thief in the night.” He goes on to say he hopes to do this “more than once; maybe a half dozen times” if he can find the right number of heterosexual marriages to disturb.  Sacramento County Protestant Church spokesman Dan Webster was clearly pleased with the development. “Mr. Miller completely proves our point– that gay marriages will only hurt the traditional family. On top of it all, the homo says he wants to raise gay children to advance his cause!!”

Luckily, with California passing a proposition to define marriage between a man and a woman while Arkansas has voted in legislation that would stop unmarried couple of any sexual orientation from adopting, it looks as if the national stage is dead set on stopping this one maniacal homosexual, no matter the cost. “Sure, we haven’t found any other gays who say they want to ruin our marriages,” said Webster, “but this proves that they are out there!”  An additional plus for the Church are Miller’s statements that he chose to be a homosexual: “I knew from a young age that I was attracted to women, but that seemed too easy.  I forced myself to become interested in men– it wasn’t easy at first, but I did it.”  He goes on to say that after he successfully ruins enough straight marriages, he intends to attempt intercourse with “either dogs or cats, I haven’t decided” and take up Satan worship.

In a related story, Fred Phelp’s Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kansas claims to have proven here on earth that God does, in fact, “hate fags” as the Church has preached for decades.  Church members point to Los Angeles resident Adam Lucas as proof that God hates fags.  Lucas, a 22-year-old, has lived a short but tumultuous life, having come out as gay as a fourteen-year-old and having been subsequently forced out of his parents’ home.  He made it through high school practically homeless and was attacked in 2004 for his beliefs by an angry group of religious protesters at a gay rights rally suffering head trauma that placed him in the hospital for six weeks, losing him his employment and placing him deep in debt.  “I’ve lived a tough life,” said Lucas at his mid-October wedding to long-time partner Steven Wong, “but now I can legally endure the remainder of it with Steven.”  Phelp’s daughter, Shirley Phelps-Roper, stated after the passage of Proposition 8 that we were clearly seeing a pattern of God’s faggot hatred.  “To give this young man hope that he could finally live a state-recognized life with his partner and then to yank it away?  That’s some Biblical justice right there.  God must really hate those fags.”