All the social networking sites are spewing hatred at 20th Century Fox because they just won a ruling against the release of “Watchmen”.  And I understand hating Fox.  How many franchises have they driven into the ground?   Hell, what’s the last good genre movie that company even produced?  Fucking X2? 

But, honestly?  I’m with voodo-magic Alan Moore on this one.  Sure, he’s a pretentious ass that at one point was all about a God-awful version of the screenplay and the ensuing awful adaptation.  But let’s face facts– Alan Moore is one of the greatest writing minds of our time.  He gets to be a prententious ass.  Instead, the ass we’re getting is Zack Snyder.

I said it, you stupid geeky motherfuckers.  Zack Snyder is a tool.  300 was a shitty, shitty movie.  It was racist, it was sexist, it was boring, and most offensively it was bad.  I was just as jazzed as anyone about that pule-pounding Nine Inch Nails trailer.  But the movie took a strong comic book and tweaked it into a bumbling movie that was visually appealing and emotionally flatter than a pancake.

So toolbag Snyder has made a Watchmen movie without a squid.  He’s hired an Ozymandias that thinks he’s a big enough deal that he MADE UP A MOTHERFUCKING BACKSTORY for Ozymandias.  Who. The. Fuck. does he think he is, making a BACKSTORY for something from the motherfucking Watchmen? 

The chances that a Watchmen movie with craptastic “Batman Forever” suits is going to do anything close to living up to the source material is near impossible.  Fox has the rights to the movie.  I hate Fox as much… no, after the way they dicked over Chris Carter on the budget of I Want to Believe, I hate them MORE than you.  But not only are they in the legal right… I’m rooting for them on the grounds that I want to sink this motherfucking movie.

If only someone could magically appear with the rights to a Dragonball movie before Fox jacks up that franchise, that’d be great.

Didn’t nab my pull yesterday (Chirstmas Eve), don’t have my web comics made and together. 

This is one of those things that occassionally happens when your hits lurk below four digits all too often.  It’s not your fault.  You didn’t do this. 

Cartoonist Max Rinkel and resident scientist IgNobel have been bringing the goods in my stalling… but IgNobel is literally headed to Peru to, (in her words) “kill things in the name of science”.  I have no idea exactly who she will be destroying, but it will no doubt be awesome.  Less awesome for all of us for a small time, but we’ll make it.

Speaking of making it… if you are so inclined to make “it” and write for the Towel, at this point you need only say so.  We have had great spurts of articles from our authors, but regularity has not always been our finest offering.  There will be, of course, be chest-thumping New Year’s resolutions to change this. 

In the meantime… I’m stuck at work and there’s a Next Generation marathon on.  Merry Christmas to you.

Brit #11; Writer Bruce Brown, Pencils/Inks Nate Bellegarde, Colors Kanila Tripp
Image $2.99 {Title’s sales in August were est. 3,851 units w/ iss 8 ranking 253}
“Maybe it was the fact that he (the main character) didn’t really appear much in his own series until issue four.” - Robert Kirkman, in the letters of Brit #11 on why the next issue will be the last of the ongoing series.  And he’s right.  Brit is one of Kirkman’s greatest creations, but the convulouted content of his ongoing title (versus the multiple mini series beforehand) has been confusing, unexciting, and worst of all simply did not live up to the potentional of the character.  This issue brings the titular hero further back into the fold of the book, but there is nothing greatly revolutionary in the issue.  Yes, it’s better than the last couple (all of which are better than a lot of more mainstream books– don’t get me wrong, there’s a reason I’m still buying it), but I remain glad the title is drawing to a close.  Next month Brit will throw down in what Kirkman says is his final story “for now”– and thankfully enough it is co-written by the creator.  Look forward to it.

Deadpool #5;
Marvel $2..99 {Title’s sales in October were est. 58,554 units w/ iss 3 ranking 31}
Has not arrived at my local store yet.

Ex Machina #40;
Wildstorm $2.99 {Title’s sales in September were est. 14,969 units w/ iss 38 ranking 137}
Has not arrived at my local store yet.

The Walking Dead #56; Writer Robert Kirkman, Art Charlie Adlard, Gray Tones Cliff Rathburn
Image $2.99 {Title’s sales in October were est. 24,091 units w/ iss 53 ranking 116}
Is Kirkman growing soft?  If the end of the last issue of “Walking Dead’ hurt… don’t worry, it’s all okay now.  In what maybe the biggest softening of a blow in the 56 issues of the book SPOILER– Maggie didn’t die.  I was relieved.  So relieved.  So desperately relieved that I have to marvel at what Kirkman continues to do in this book.  I am fully invested in the characters and their story, and the fact that we were granted this reprieve only fills me with dread.  For every moment of peace (like the “safety” of the prison, or the discovery of a nearby town) we have soon be treated to absolute terror.  I’ll be there to read every page of it.

The X-Files #2
Wildstorm $3.50 {Title’s sales in July were est. 23,799 units w/ iss 0 ranking 103}
Has not arrived at my local store yet.

Above: the white males of the original 1963 Avengers line-up.  They are almost the same today, except they killed the tiny female character seen at the right. 

I make this post with a disclaimer: I do not read every book that Marvel Comics puts out.  What I’m about to say comes from something of an outside standpoint. 

I read, and I wish for the life of me that I could find the quote, Joe Quesada, Marvel’sEditor-in-Chief, quoted as saying the publisher didn’t back down from doing things to characters based on race or gender… otherwise you would be hurting your ability to tell stories.  I agree.  When it comes to writing characters, their backgrounds feed into their stories; they do not section you off and rarely should they completely define you.  But, from my vantage point, Marvel is full of bologna.  Yes, Marvel has made leaps and bounds in their portrayals of diversity in the past– but we’re past the point where “Star Trek” is giving us the first interracial television kiss.  Diversity should be the norm, and nothing we have to conjure up.  Sadly, the writers of Marvel can’t even imagine a world where even males and females are remotely equal.

“Big name” Marvel death in the past five years?  Captain America– Steve Rogers.  The Cap got capped after the Marvel Civil War.  It was a shake-up, meant to alter the status quo.  But since then?  Let’s discuss women in refrigerators.  Prior to the Civil War; who went crazy and became a screwed up shell of a person that destroyed like 90% of the mutant population.  The Scarlet Witch.  When it was time to end the recent Secret Invasion and they needed to kill someone to get all “serious” and such bullshit, who got blown up?  Janet Van Dyne, the Wasp.  I’d throw some venom at the death of Kitty Pryde in the pages of Astonishing X-Men this past year, too– except that her death didn’t feel like some tacked-on bullcrap to pull on the emotional strings of the male cast; it seemed like a thought out piece of damn good writing that came full circle from where the book had opened twenty-five issues prior.  Of course, you can offset this with all the downright stupid things perpetrated upon Betsy Braddock and Sage within the pages of X-Men and Exiles of late.

But all of this misuse of female characters pales in comparison to the carpet-bagging that Marvel is floating as to who will be the next Black Panther.

http://www.marvel.com/comics/onsale/lib/view2.htm?filename=/i/content/st/6428new_storyimage9528770_full.jpg

To those of you who don’t know who that is, that would be Echo.  Who is Echo?  She’s a Hispanic Native American deaf girl.  Now, it’s not like Black Panther has been very good recently.  The shotgun marriage of X-Men standout Storm to the King of Wakanda is nothing more than a sickening punchline; a disgusting union of characters for no other reason than “well, they’re both African” that disregards years of character relationships.  But this move to Echo as the new Black Panther (if teasers are to be believed) is amazingly insulting.  To anyone who is reading the book because of an investment in African culture, guess what?  Don’t care, this is just our MINORITY book.  Deal with it.  We should be mildly offended by the existence of the fictional nation the Black Panther rules, Wakanda– Marvel prides itself on using real cities and states unlike DC… unless they be foreign ones, where they make up whatever they see fit.  But my beef doesn’t stand with as much with past discretions as it does with a future where I realize that a fictional African super hero can’t be taken seriously… in a world where a black man is about to lead one of the most powerful nations on Earth? 

Sure, maybe Echo, the Native American deaf girl (I can’t get over how many quota’s she is supposed to fill for the Marvel realm of “diversity”) can be a great superhero.  Maybe she can even, somehow, be a great Black Panther.  But, I for one, am ashamed of how poorly the “House of Ideas” is going about showing a world that isn’t simply “white power”.

and

Invincible is not the only one watching Atom Eve sleep…

That picture has to be worth a couple of hits, right?  Shameless pictures aside, let’s review four new books…

The Amazing Spider-Man #580; Writer Roger Stern, Artist Lee Weeks, Colors Dean White
Marvel$2.99 {Title’s sales in October were est. 82,540 units w/ iss 573 ranking 8, est 69,061 units w/ iss 574 ranking 17, and est 68,905 units w/ iss 574 ranking 18}
Classic Spider-man from classic author Roger Stern.  There should be no surprise that this issue fits in a Spider-man format of years gone by– Aunt May is in trouble, Peter tries to fight a baddie with a silly backstory, and we end with Spider-man using his wit to win out.  If not for the presence of cell phones and mention of YouTube, this could very easily have come out twenty years ago.  Not that I mind the “dated” aspect of this.  Sometimes a simple one shot is just what comics should be about, and better yet is the fact that as Spider-man continues with these one shots and short arcs, we still get a lot of story based solely off the fact that the book comes out three times a month.  Spider-man fans truly have an embarrassment of riches right now, despite what any “Brand New Day” naysayer may feel.  Next week we’ll be back to discuss Harry Osborn!

B.P.R.D.: War on Frogs #2; Writer John Arcudi, Artist John Severin, Colors Dave Stewart
Dark Horse $2.99 {Most recent B.P.R.D.: The Warning #4 in October sold est 16,140 ranking 146}
The cover of this book (the only part other than the characters by creator Mike Mignola) shows some cool-looking B.P.R.D. soldiers about to be attacked by a spooky “Frog” from the shadows.  The cover looks A-list, artistic, and like something I would want to spend money on.  The interior is the B-version, and not in the good way.  John Severin’s artwork is detailed yes, but the style is not one I would tap to put forth what is essentially the classic “spam in a can” marines versus monster story.  There really is nothing surprising or new in John Arcudi’s tale… and unlike the last lackluster “War on Frogs” one shot from June earlier this year, there is no Roger the Homunculus to make it at least relatively interesting.  “War On Frogs” continues to be a weak link in the Hellboy / B.P.R.D. comics, but with the “Wild Hunt” issue #2 in early January, I think it’ll be okay.

Captain Britain and MI:13 #8; Writer Paul Cornell, Pencils Leonard Kirk, Michael Bair w/ Jay Leisten & Craig Yeung, Colors Brian Reber
Marvel $2.99 {Title’s sales in October were est. 28,030 units w/ iss 8 ranking 96, est}
I’ve been saying this for a couple weeks– the ongoing story for this Captain Britain arc is good, but it is not aligned with my interests.  Villains based in mental projection and illusion rarely knock my socks off, and so the sooner this story ends the better.  That said, I still am in love with these characters and their interactions.  The Lady Jacqueline / Blade dynamic continues to steal the show, as it has for the duration of this plot.  Hate to sound like a broken record, but I’m still feeling “good” about the book, I just am ready for this villain to be out of the way.  Doesn’t look like that’ll happen next month.

Invincible #56; Writer Robert Kirkman, Pencils Ryan Ottley, Inks Cliff Rathburn, Colors FCO Plascencia
Image $2.99 {Title’s sales in October were est. 14,176 units w/ iss 53 ranking 158, and est 14,166 units w/ iss 54 ranking 159}
Sweet.  This issue further explores exactly where Mark Grayson sits right now, and it’s an interesting place.  He is a hero conflicted; fearful that his power is eventually going to corrupt, and his response to a friend being threatened in this issue shows him teetering towards being more of a bully in the future.  The issue was strong and engaging– my sole complaint lies in Cliff Rathburn’s blocky inks.  I’d really like to see these characters be less angular for a couple of months just for old time’s sake.  Call me picky.  That said, we’re revving up for a Wolf-man crossover next!

Four fresh comic reviews, hot off the presses, how about that?  As always, we thank CBR for putting up the numbers I “borrow” and hope that you’ll make use of the comments section below!

I noticed today (and I jest not… I simply noticed, and was not informed) that this fine piece of URL made it into the newspaper of my alma mater today.  I’d give you a link to the picture in question, but the newspaper lives in some sort of dark age where it doesn’t put its comics online.  If you are here because of said promotion, please know that the strip you are following in print is available on our website every Friday under the new title “Mediocre” and, because we are more awesome than a newspaper, it happens in COLOR.

We’re closing in on hosting fifty web strips here, and all the while are keeping up new and original written content.  Sure, there’s some rehashing of entertainment gooing, but we also have amazing scientific stuff for your everyday life that you won’t find in nearly as amusing (or informative) format anywhere else.  So the question starts to arrive… where are the viewers?

Currently the majority of our traffic is reddit based, and that’s not a bad place to have people coming from.  There’s a lot of varying traffic– 5,000 hits in a day to 100.  I’m not some marketing genius, and I don’t know how to normalize the hits.  But I know it’s time to start, at the very least, making the ever holy internet Alliances.  These Alliances (with a capital “A”) are nothing new.  I mean, any of us who grew up playing with HTML used to run around those wild, unsupervised chatrooms of the world wide web saying “I’ll link to yours if you’ll link to mine” and going wild when that all time counter hit a magical FOUR DIGITS all-time.  Now, the stakes are higher, the Alliances more fierce.

Anyways, I don’t feel like our content is quite awesome enough to take over the internet, but I am ready to start forming the proper Alliances in order to move that sacred plane.  Now, speaking only for myself as one member of the Towel’s “staff”, I personally have my own wild and secret desires as to who my own personal internet BFF site would be.  I’m curious what my fellow writers would say as to our impending network of people we wish would be our internet friends. 

Thoughts?

Anywho.  New pictures.  Pretty.  Click to embiggen!

Okay, that’s a lie.  But all of these fine reviews are the HONEST TRUTH!

The Amazing Spider-man #579; Writer Mark Waid, Artist Marcos Martin, Colors Javier Rodriguez
Marvel $2.99 {Title’s sales in October were est. 82,540 units w/ iss 573 ranking 8, 69,061 units w/ iss 574 ranking 17, and 68,905 units w/ iss 574 ranking 18}
Current Spider-man is like comfort food.  We’re not reinventing the medium, but it goes down nicely.  The Shocker, the mysterious J. Jonah Jameson Senior, and the “Daylight” plot from last issue are all continued into this week.  Other than an inaccurate portrayal of the greatest pet species ever, this was a great issue.  Marcos Martin’s art is so perfectly classic Spider-man that everything else almost HAS to come together.  Spider-man is wonderfully quippy throughout the issue.  There is no reason that anyone who just wants a good ongoing comic that comes out on a regular basis should be leaving Spidey out of their pull.

The Astounding Wolf-mam #10; Writer Robert Kirkman, Pencils/Inks Jason Howard, Colors Howard, FCO & Ivan Plascencia
Image $2.99 {Title’s sales in October were est. 8,325 units w/ iss 9 ranking 218}
Robert Kirkman, what am I going to do with you?  You have a gift, yes.  You do an excellent job of shocking me with amazing twists and turns, you pick brilliant artists to collaborate with, you write witty dialog, and generally knock my socks off.  But sometimes… you’re lazy.  And I fear I’m too lazy to bother attacking you properly for it.  I’ll try, though.  Page seven an old man asks the mysterious “bad guy” vampire Zechariah  (and I quote), “Your plan… the time is so hard to fill these days.  Just tell me the story again, for old time’s sake… just to fill the time.”  And so, for the next seven pages, you tell us backstory.  The backstory isn’t awful, but the method you choose to give it to us is LAZY.  “Please, Mr. Vampire… remind me of your shocking past.”  When the old man reveals his connection to Zechariah (just in time to be killed and make me roll my eyes), I found the whole process a little off-putting.  I guess I unfairly hold you to a higher standard.  Doesn’t mean I don’t still love you enough to buy issue eleven.

Batman #682; Writer Grant Morrison, Pencils Lee Grabett, Inks Trever Scott, Colors Guy Major
DC $2.99 {Title’s sales in October were est. 103,929 units w/ iss 680 ranking 4}
What the hell is up with this freaking book?  I don’t care how united a front DC is putting up about loving having Grant Morrison on the front lines, when the man leaves the book after the next issue, you can bet he’s going to be kept off of it for awhile.  I don’t know my Batman canon as well as some, so I can’t tell you if any of the massive backstory here is “shocking” or anything like that.  I can tell you it is MUCH better and more interesting than last week’s Batman, in part because of artist Lee Garbett’s choices.  The book essentially is a highlighting of certain elements in Batman’s past.  What works is that it’s a sort of mythical “oral” history.  There’s not a lot of rhyme or reason about what we’re shown (in my opinion) but the delivery and some of the questions raised are interesting enough to make this book a far more legitimate read than the laughable end of R.I.P.  Questions that are less legitimate and more amusing?  WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF A SNAKE CAME THROUGH BRUCE WAYNE’S WINDOW?  A MOTH?  Anywho, still better than last week.  Guess this means I’ll be reading part two (of two) for “Last Rites”.

Hellboy: The Wild Hunt #1 (of 8); Writer Mike Mignola, Artist Duncan Fegredo, Colors Dave Stewart
Dark Horse $2.99 {Previous title “Chapel of the Moloch” sold in October est. 29,734 units w/ iss 1 ranking 86} “I’d read something that isn’t an ‘origin’ comic, but stands alone enough that I can read it on its own and enjoy it…but I don’t know what that is.”  I hear people say things like this rather regularly.  Allow me to say, “HEY, YOU– READ THIS.”  If you’re reading this, I’m looking DIRECTLY at you and telling you how you should spend three dollars to have a good time.  “Hellboy: The Wild Hunt” is going to make the first half of 2009 a damned delight, I can already tell.  Mike Mignola waltzes into the book reminding us that the title character has been soul searching recently.  You don’t need to read any of the previous stories (although everytime any of it is mentioned, there is a simple footnote to tell you were to look if you’d like)… you can just enjoy the fact that this book exists.  So what’s the current story?  Hellboy is enlisted to HUNT GIANTS.  Some societies mount up on horseback to go shoot foxes.  Apparently some mount up on horseback to go toss spears at oversized people-demon-things.   And since this is Mignola, there is plenty more to this hunt than meets the eye.  Duncan Fegredo’s art is strikingly gothic/noir/shadowy goodness, and every page pops with that extra love of colorist Dave Stewart (the. best. colorist. ever).  Care to read the goodness with me over the next several months?

There’s this week’s batch of reviews.  As always, thanks to the Mayo Report numbers, and feel free to comment below on any and all comic book items.  Marvel’s “Secret Invasion” ending I hear had some interesting implications…

I’ve damn near given up on the concept of a vote-off eliminating one of these comics… and further accepted that quality will fluctuate because of this.  This week, however, I’m a believer in both products.  Nevin’s art is getting more standardized, and the punchlines have a bit more punch.

Here’s your two comics… click to embiggen:

and 

Agree?  Disagree?  Throw your weight around below.